If you are one of the 3,000,000 people who have listened to Paul Harvey’s prophetic manifestation of the devil’s activity circa 1964, then you might like this new 2012 remix.
If I were the devil, if I was lackluster Lucifer I’d quickly get to work on the natural structure of society: the family.
I’d make it so Mother and Father (if he’s around) are forced to, or obsessed with work. Instead of spending time with their children, I’d fill whatever extra time that remains in their busy schedules with personal hobbies and interests.
In an extra effort to keep the young away from their primary educators, I’d make school mandatory. Which in itself is a good idea, but since I can’t handle good, I’d make religious schools expensive and homeschooling illegal.
While seated at their desks I’d give each child a device that displays every truth the world has known and several means by which one can share it with others, but I would cloud the screen of this device with pornography, listless music and millions of uneducated opinions. I’d probably throw some explicit four letter words in there too for bad measure.
I’d fill classrooms with thousands of unprepared kids and replace educators with a bigger computer than the children have.
I’d stress the passing of tests and economic longevity as opposed to creativity and morality. I wouldn’t allow them to go outside, either, far too much natural propaganda from the enemy. I’d even go as far as to extend the school day, including summers, so that when the day is done, both parent and child can either collapse in exhaustion or bicker about who has it worse.
I’d make it illegal to punish a mouthy or misbehaving child, but perfectly legal to kill him just as long as the mother commits the homicide prior to his exiting the womb.
To further emphasize my hate for familiar love, I’d make patiences paper-thin and paychecks even thinner so that the thought of families having more than 1 or 2 children are both unbearable and unattainable.
If I were the devil, exercise would be an activity for only those who can afford gym memberships and sleep for 8 hours a night.
I’d make the average human landless and ignorant about how to grow their own food. Instead, I’d charge them more to purchase organic sustenance and when they realize they do not have enough to purchase it, they will opt for preservative-packed, sugar coated pieces of death to feed themselves and their children. Mmmmm, death.
To really put the nail in the coffin, I’d make people throw away billions of pounds of fresh produce on a daily basis while millions of dollars go out to fund wars, weapons and drugs at the expense of those who go without a bite to eat or a dollar to spend.
If I were the devil I’d force simple, humble people to risk their lives crossing deserts in order to dwell in big cities where no one understands them and very few accept them.
I’d downplay the day-by-day conversations on the sidewalk that yield deep-rooted friendships and make people spend hours on end in front of computer screens trying to figure out how to do that in less than 140 characters with complete strangers.
I’d eliminate paper and canvas, pens and colors and holidays. I’d make classical music boring, museums dull. and reading “uncool”. I’d make poetry difficult to understand and stories unreliable and unrelatable. If I couldn’t do that, I’d at the very least make it extremely difficult for anyone to make a living in any of the arts.
I’d make public opinion the maker of all choices and money, fame and power the influencers of these opinions.
I’d convince the world that a well-formed conscience is a psychological defect and a strong will, a public disturbance,
I’d make Jesus fictional and Mary, His mother, detestable. I’d make religion more of a feeling as opposed to a sacrificial and reputable way by which one seeks truth.
I’d create a new Tower of Babel where divisions occur not only among languages, but religions, politics, races and ideas. This Tower would assure a globalized society based on the lie that truth is subjective. It would glorify simple opinions and incivility.
I’d erase filial fear from the dictionary and replace it with servile fear. While I’m at it, I’d redefine honor as the amount of people who “like” you on whichever social media network is poplar at the time.
Oh, and I’d make silent moments extremely sparse. In their place, I’d have TVs constantly blaring, music as the way to get away from my other pressures and storms to keep everyone up at night. But no silence. No, far too much truth is pondered in silence and I wouldn’t be able to afford that.
Finally, if I were the devil, I’d make love synonymous with physical pleasure. I’d sacrmentalize sodomy. I’d rock the world with natural disasters. I’d even let man create life in a laboratory thereby making true unity between him, woman and my sworn enemy unnecessary.
In short, if I were the devil, I’d go against the natural order of everything and I’d use the only continent created by man as my primary battle ground.
This is TJ Burdick. Good day.
What about you, what would you do if you were the devil?
